There’s a lot to love about Facebook: keeping up with friends who live too far away to meet for a drink, watching everyone’s cute babies get bigger (seriously—why is everyone suddenly with child?) and of course, Scrabble: anywhere, anytime.
But like any long-term relationship (how long have we been at this, anyway, FB?), there’s a flip side. Henceforth, the five things that drive me absolutely batty about this damn website that I cannot live without:
1. You, on a Boat
I don’t begrudge anyone a little fun on the water, but I wish you nautical types would caption these photos with what you’re really trying to say…
I AM HAVING MORE FUN THAN YOU.
If I read one more “nice day on the water!” caption, or worse, the uncaptioned photos of calm seas and artfully displayed Coronas in your Hipstamatic print (enough of those too, while I’m at it) I may just throw my laptop/blackberry into the nearest body of water. Tell it like it is, people: Boat beats anything I’m doing while looking at pictures of you on said boat.
2. Your Welcome
Even more infuriating than the never-ending stream of egregious grammatical errors on FB? My overwhelming compulsion to comment on your status to correct you. In the words of Ross Geller: “Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E means you are. Y-O-U-R means your!”
I’ve done this to my co-author Tiffanie, but she gets me. For everyone else, you’ve been warned: Double-check your their, there and they’re. I’m coming after you next.
3. Super Fit Pregnant Women
O.K., you’re giving me a complex here, ladies. To Kelly, who ran a faster 5K days before giving birth than I have ever run in my life; Lindsey, who’s about to pop and looks about as hot as she did when we partied like rock stars in Key West a few years ago; and Leslie, who’s due next month and still has the most perfectly toned arms: Stop it. Seriously, just stop. You’re freaks of nature and while I love you, this is getting ridiculous.
4. “Today’s My Friday”
See no. 1. Just say what you mean: YOU HAVE TO WORK TOMORROW AND I DON’T! BWAHAHAHAHA! I actually borrowed this concept from a FB friend named Matt, who pointed out the confusion that would result if there were any truth to this inane saying: If today is actually Thursday, but it’s “your Friday,” then what would actual Sunday be? Your Monday? In an effort to keep you from going into the office on the weekend out of sheer confusion and to keep me from punching my computer screen, cease and desist. Por favor.
5. My Disdain for Non-FB’ers
I shudder to think how many times I actually check Facebook over the course of any given day. As such, it makes me wonder about those friends of mine who don’t chat, and network, and peruse photos, and stalk people on FB. I don’t think I trust you folks. What do you have to hide, anyway? Why don’t you show off your manicures and baby pictures and plug your projects endlessly and take pictures of their desserts for the world to see? Oh, nevermind, I get it… But I stand firm on the first four.
I’m gonna go Tweet now …