Green Juice Horror

I should have known better.

It’s a drink made out of kale. Come on. No one wants to drink kale. And I should have done what any reasonable person would have when the cashier told me the price.

Me, on an “I need to eat more greens” kick: I’ll try the One-a-Day green juice.

Le Pain Quotidien cashier: OK, your total is $9.69.

Me: I’m sorry, how much?

LPQ twit: $9.69.

Me: Oh, no, I actually only ordered one.

LPQ hell minion: <blank stare>

Me: That’s the price for one drink?

LPQ diablo: Yes, I’m afraid so.

Me, thinking a ten-dollar drink without vodka in it must have some kind of magical power and producing a credit card: OK, I guess I’ll see if it’s worth it!

The drink appeared on the counter within about 90 seconds. Surely it takes longer to concoct this super-juice that will make me look like Gisele and feel like a master yogi, no?

Walking back to my car, I cautiously take a sip. Green drinks and I have never really gotten along, but surely I just haven’t found The One yet.

Internal monologue:

Oh! This isn’t awful … <after-taste kicks in> … Hmm, I didn’t see anything on the ingredients list that would make it spicy. Why is it spicy? Must just be that first sip. My coffee earlier could be messing with the taste … <takes another sip> Oof, that’s rough. It’s bitter and sour and mulch-y and spicy and not quite cold enough. But hey, I’m just getting into my car and I’ve already had at least half an ounce. Only 11.5 oz to go for wellness! … <Drink sits in cup holder><Staring contest with the cup at red light> … Ooh, green light, can’t take a sip now, need to drive safely! … There certainly are a lot of red lights in this area … OK, OK, suck it up, Rennie, and try again … Good gracious, what is IN here, battery acid? My mouth actually tastes like the morning after a college party where no one could afford anything but bottom shelf booze and I fell asleep in my toilet bowl.

It took me 25 minutes to get home, and nothing eliminated the taste of that awful stuff. Not all the water in my giant bottle, not a handful of raw almonds, not even two pieces of the emergency gum stashed in my center console.

I could still taste it an hour after that, en route to a holiday lunch with one of my best girlfriends. I had to mask it with a Miller Lite and fries. How is that helping anyone, LPQ? You see what your One-a-Day drink drives people to do?

One a day is one too many. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.



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  1. LOL. Pretty funny. But c’mon it is good for you – Of course it is going to taste bad.

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